A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him two beautiful ones out on the floor. “This one’s $5,000 and the other is $10,000.” the clerk said. “Wow! What does the $5,000 one do?” “This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote.” “And the other?” said the customer. “This one can sing Wagner’s entire Ring cycle. There’s another one in the back room for $30,000.” “Holy moly! What does that one do?” “Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him ‘Maestro’.”
A woman goes into a butcher shop to get something special for dinner. She spies something which looks interesting and asks the butcher how much it costs. “Well ma’am, those are the brains of a soprano, and they’re a $1.50 a pound.” “Oh, ok”, replies the woman. “What’s that?”, she asks, pointing. “Those are the brains of a bass, and they’re $3.00 a pound.” “Oh”, says the woman, “that looks great, what is it?” “Ma’am, those are the brains of a tenor, and they are $40.00 a pound.” “That’s outrageous!”, says the woman. “Why is it so much for those brains?” “Ma’am”, replies the patient butcher, “do you have any idea how many tenors it takes to make one pound of brains?”
What’s the definition of a male quartet?
Three men and a tenor.
What’s the musical definition of a half-step?
Two tenors singing in unison.
How do you put a twinkle in a tenor’s eye?
Shine a flashlight in his ear.
A bass died and went to Heaven (where all basses go when they pass on). St. Peter greeted him at the gate and asked, “Sir, how many false notes did you sing in your life?”
The bass answered, “Three.”
“Three times!” said St. Peter.
Out came another angel and stuck the bass three times with a needle.
“Ow! What was that for?” asked the bass, while rubbing his arm.
St. Peter explained, “Here in heaven, we stick singers once for each false note they sang down on Earth.”
“Oh,” said the bass, and he was just about to step through the gates when suddenly he heard a horrible scream come from behind a closed door. “Oh my goodness, what was that?” asked the bass, horrified.
“Oh,” said St. Peter, “that’s a tenor who arrived a while ago. He’s just about to start his third week in the sewing machine.”
When the other tenors notice.
Q: Dad, why do the tenors sway left and right while performing on stage?
A: Because, son, it is more difficult to hit a moving target.
Puts on her clothes and goes home.
What’s the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?
Most musicians have never been inside a Porsche.
*oooh…bad! I know!*
The viola burns longer.
Q: Why was the soprano standing outside in the rain?
A: Because couldn’t find her key and didn’t know when to come in!